When you’re unhappy in your relationship, it’s easy to point the finger at your partner and accuse them of being toxic. But what if you’re the one who’s toxic?
While no one is perfect, the truth is anyone can exhibit toxic behaviors and patterns without realizing it. This is why moments of self-introspection are so important—it’s a chance to examine what you do in the day-to-day of your relationship, and to think about why you do it. So what is a toxic person? And what does that even mean in the context of a committed relationship?
What does it mean to be toxic in a relationship?
“Toxic is quite a strong word, and reality may be more nuanced or gray in some cases,” says Alex Dimitriu, MD, who is double board-certified in psychiatry and sleep medicine. “However, it serves as a powerful reminder of what can go wrong and what to watch out for. ‘Manipulative,’ ‘selfish,’ ‘narcissistic,’ and ‘lacking empathy’ are other words that could describe a similar experience.”
Of course, no one tries to be the toxic person in their relationship—and many won’t even be able to admit to it. But if the word indeed describes you, the sooner you can accept that reality, the sooner you’ll be able to change your behavior, and hopefully heal. With some self-reflection and support, it’s possible to curtail your negative behaviors and become a healthier person who can contribute to a healthy relationship, so let’s consider potential signs you’re the toxic partner, and what to do about them.
Signs you’re the toxic person in the relationship
You’re always condescending and hyper-critical. Do you always find fault with your partner? Are you always criticizing them no matter what they do, from how they drive to how they do the dishes? You might think your comments are well-intentioned. Maybe you believe you’re actually helping your partner change their ways. But consistently finding flaws and talking down to your partner will make them feel worse around you instead of better, and that’s toxic.
You’re manipulative and controlling. It’s your way or the highway. You insist on making most, if not all, of the important decisions for you and your partner. You very rarely compromise and if your partner resists an idea of yours, you typically become angry or sulk about it. You might even hide information from your partner or lie to them in order to get your way. Relationships are about compromise and trust, and by being demanding and manipulative, you’re eroding the foundations of a healthy dynamic.
You’re narcissistic. According to Dimitriu, someone who is narcissistic spends too much time thinking, talking, and praising themselves. “They’re into labels, achievements, and titles; roles over substances,” he says. If you pride yourself on how much money you make and focus on buying expensive things so you can feel good about yourself rather than investing into the emotional well-being of your relationship, you could be narcissistic. Also, if you see your partner as a means to getting what you want or making yourself look better, rather than respecting them as a separate human being, you’re exhibiting narcissistic behavior.
You lack empathy for your partner. Empathy is the ability to be sensitive to someone’s feelings and experience and to modify your own behavior accordingly. If you’re someone who can hurt your partner with little care or remorse, or find a way to blame them for your actions, then you’re being toxic. Understanding and respecting your partner’s feelings is integral to a successful bond, and if you refuse to empathize with their perspective, you’re toxic.
What to do if you’re the toxic one in the relationship
“The first step is recognizing there’s a problem,” Dimitriu says. “Self reflection, [and] speaking with close friends and family. is the beginning. Journaling and therapy can help too. Also, see how specific or pervasive the pattern of behavior is. Is it with just one person, or everywhere[ in your life]?”
He also suggests checking your biology too: “Make sure you are getting enough sleep, that your anxiety is manageable, and you have a healthy work /life balance. You have to put on the oxygen mask first, and make sure your basic animal needs are being met. After all this, consider therapy.”
The only way to stop being a toxic person, says Dimitriu, is by doing something about it. “In the words of a Depeche Mode song, ‘Don’t just stand there and shout it. Do something about it,’” he says. “Don’t fool yourself with superficial efforts that check boxes. Make sure you are truly becoming a better version of yourself than you were yesterday. Otherwise, it’s just a show.”