It’s a beautiful thing, to reach the point in a relationship when your no-longer-new partner has finally discovered all of the horrible smells your body can produce, and chooses to stick with you nonetheless. The last thing you want, however, is for this smelly point to arrive ahead of schedule—killing the romance tragically too soon.
A little about me: I have an irrationally shy bladder. For the most part, pooping outside of my own home is out of the question. One of my worst nightmares is clogging a toilet in my date’s own home. Grappling with this fear has given me a certain level of expertise when it comes to poop-related damage control. So here’s how to poop on a date without embarrassing yourself in front of your romantic prospects.
If you must poop on site
Let’s start off assuming that “holding it in” is no longer an option for you. Although facing this issue in public sounds stressful, it’s actually preferable to tackling it from one of your homes. Find a public bathroom that you can casually run into, and make sure they don’t follow you in there—simple enough, provided you can be quick enough about it that they won’t have too much time to wonder what you’re up to.
The worst case scenario is you’re in their home. Here are the basics of discrete pooping in your date’s bathroom:
Make sure the toilet is working first. Give it an experimental flush.
Run the sink and turn on the bathroom fan while you do the deed.
Practice what my dad calls the “courtesy flush,” aka “flush as you go.” The goal here is to ensure the toilet isn’t faced with a final load that it can’t handle. (Sure, the downside is that your date might hear you flush multiple times—I’d argue this is better than what might happen if/when you can’t flush at all.)
Wait for them to use the bathroom first. After you go, do whatever you can to allow whatever deed you did time to settle. Start engaging in a wildly compelling conversation, or perhaps an impromptu game, or a snuggle on the couch. Ask if you can help prepare dinner, or clear up the dishes. If you’re heading out, try to poop right before you both leave, so you can get the hell out of there before they catch a whiff.
In the future, consider carrying an odor eliminator (like Poo-Pourri) to ease your mind.
If you clog the toilet while on a date
First things first: Stop flushing. Unclogging a toilet is one thing, but once it’s overflowing, you have a whole other mess on your hands. If it’s getting to close to the rim for your comfort level, turn off the water by reaching behind the toilet bowl and twisting the silver metal knob.
Look for drain cleaner under the sink. Pour it in and let it sit for a few minutes to start clearing things up.
If you have a plunger: Make sure to angle the plunger over the hole, working it up and down until the water level begins to move, signaling that you’ve begun to successfully clear the clog.
No plunger? Unclog a toilet with a plastic bag.
Break up the load with soap and water. This requires you to find a way to transport hot water from the sink to the bowl. Pour some hand soap or detergent into the bowl, and then pour as much hot water as you can to help things go down the drown more easily.
Remove the poop by hand. Avoid this option in all but the most extreme circumstances. I’m actually having some trouble imagining a scenario bad enough to risk being caught holding a handful of your own excrement. Still, if you must, first make sure you have your disposal plan ready. Does the bathroom have a window? Where does that window lead to? Will you be able to go straight from your date’s bathroom to “run to your car real quick” while you actually find a way to toss your load into a neighbor’s garbage can? (The uncertainty involved here indicates why this tack should be considered an absolute last resort.) Then, find some sort of buffer to go between your hands and the cargo—a wad of toilet paper might be your only recourse—and wrap it up ASAP. Make sure you wash with plenty of soap and water, obviously.
If you need to flee
If you can feel a dreaded stint in the bathroom coming on, you can always flee before you have to risk destroying your date’s bathroom. Faking an emergency is an art. You need something serious enough to justify you leaving, mild enough in terms of personal karma, and vague enough to assure your date that they don’t need to do anything to help your fake situation.
My go-to lie is something like “friend having panic attack.” (Yes, I am a bad person.) This situation is urgent, but not something that demands you have to keep up the lie in the future. It’s also not something your date would ever in good conscience bring up to said friend upon meeting them.
Of course, fleeing is only a viable option before you use the bathroom. Do not flee after you’ve created a clog you can’t fix. That would be extremely shitty.
Or, choose honesty
Whatever you do, do not ruin someone’s bathroom and then run out of there. Be straightforward and explain that you need to run out and grab some supplies to unclog their toilet, or whatever you might need to do. Bathroom stuff can be gross, but your honesty can demonstrate your sexy level of confidence.
We all poop. Your date should be very understanding of this fact. If not, I believe you can direct them to some children’s literature to illuminate them on the matter.