Working within a corporate or office environment can be intense at times, so it makes sense that we gravitate towards the co-worker who helps to alleviate the stress and make our days a little brighter. Some of these connections are simply strong friendships, while others might develop into what’s known as the “work spouse.”
“A work spouse is someone you work closely with every day who becomes so close to you that they are just like a spouse,” says Dr. Lori Beth Bisbey, a clinical psychologist and sex/intimacy coach. “They are someone you are able to share secrets with, from frivolous gossip to hopes and fears.”
You know that person who brings your favorite cup of coffee every morning or is the first person you want to sound off a project with or send an inside joke to? That’s your work spouse.
So is having a work spouse a good thing?
While the term “work spouse” can sound salacious or sexual, for the most part, a work spouse is simply an ally who adds value to your work day.
“[A work spouse is someone who has] your back…and who is on your side,” Bisbey explains. “You champion each other—celebrating wins, commiserating around losses, always on your side. They also provide a safe sounding board when issues arise at work, with friends, and sometimes even about issues at home. Tensions are lower so performance increases. Sounding boards mean that we come up with more creative solutions.”
A work spouse also makes the workplace more fun, which can help lower the stress and tension. “When people are enjoying the work environment, their performance increases,” Bisbey says.
What are the downsides to having a work spouse?
The main drawback to having a work spouse, Bisbey says, is that others at work may feel envious of the relationship. “If others are envious of the relationship, it can set you up for problems at work with superiors and co-workers,” she explains. “People can be accused of being cliquish, and this can make the work environment more difficult.”
Additionally, there are bound to be some gray areas when connecting to someone so closely within a professional setting, such as spending social time together outside of work or any type of physical closeness. If single, you might be tempted to engage in a romantic relationship, which will have consequences both inside and outside the office, especially if one person is in a higher-ranking position or having a romantic relationship goes against company policy.
If you are in a relationship outside of work, Bisbey says a relationship with a work spouse could seem “easier,” which might cause you or your work spouse to feel as though the grass is greener. “Things have less conflict and are easier with the work spouse so they [or you] can believe that a romantic relationship with them would be too,” she says. “This is an illusion based on the different expectations in a work spouse relationship and a true romantic relationship.”
Also, if you’re in a relationship with someone else, Bisbey says having a work spouse runs the risk of your partner becoming jealous because of the amount of time you spend together and the types of things you share with each other.
What to do about a work spouse if you’re in a relationship
Regardless if you’re single or not, Bisbey recommends establishing boundaries with your work spouse. If you are in a committed relationship, “you need to keep in mind your agreements with your partner. Are they OK with you sharing intimate information about your relationship? How much time are they OK with you spending outside of work with a work spouse? What are your agreements around hugs and physical affection?”
Secondly, Bisbey says to beware of emotional cheating. “Emotional cheating is when you break an agreement with your partner about what you share emotionally with others outside the relationship, how intimate you are with people outside of the relationship,” she explains. “Emotional cheating really arises from the idea that having a deep emotional relationship with someone of the gender you are usually attracted to is reserved for a romantic partner. This comes from monogamy as a framework. Sometimes emotional cheating takes the form of intense sexual flirting and/or romantic conversation with someone other than your partner when in a monogamous relationship. This is often a precursor to physical cheating.”
According to Bisbey, having a work spouse is only emotional cheating when a) it breaks an agreement between you and your partner about what can be shared or how intimate you can be with someone other than them b) the banter becomes intensely sexual and/or romantic with declarations of love. “Otherwise, having a work spouse is emotional support,” she says. “The difference is that emotional support comes in a relationship where the boundaries are clear and respected.”
Ultimately, be clear with what you will share—and not share—with your work spouse and how often you will connect socially with them in person and off the clock. In addition, Bisbey suggests cutting back on those after-work drinks because “alcohol consumption lowers inhibitions, so if there is any physical attraction, it can rise to the surface, and this can damage the relationship.”
In reality, Bisey says having emotionally intimate relationships with friends, like a work spouse, is extremely useful. “It provides us with additional support and teaches us how to deepen our relationships with our partners. Work spouses can make life at work more fun, easier, and can provide a means to be more productive. They can also become good friends to partners by being a sounding board for stress so the partner brings less of their work home. This way, the partner comes home in a better mood and more ready to make that transition to home life.”